"Open Heart" aka Balls on Top of Ass

Is it just me or does Jane Seymour's "Open Heart" design look just like balls on top of ass? The middle pic looks like ass to ass balls on ass. Sorry, but I would slap my huband if he bought me a balls on ass necklace...or laugh in his face and ask about the return policy. Who knew Dr. Quinn was so dirty.

If only more celebrities would get fat!

This lovely lady to my left is Jessica Simpson. Ms. Simpson is a celebrity (to a degree). When she started her career she looked like every other Blond Disney Jail Bait Newbie singer: probably a size 2 or 4, unassuming bland styling, "natural" looking (5 pounds of) makeup. Then C-list Jessica made a little reality show with her then B-list husband, Nick Lachey, and a moronic A-lister was born!

Ms. Simpson is not very smart. She can certainly hit high notes but honestly... only dogs enjoy the sound she makes when she gets there. As a woman she makes me kind of sad, really. However I did appreciate that she was willing to be herself (aka a brainless girly girl) on national television without shame. And I can guarantee you that she laughed all the way to the bank (leaving all the MENSA folks in the dust.)

Then the girl had to go all Hollywood...She gets the Daisy Duke gig and starts working out two hours a day. She stops eating her Dominoes, Chicken of the Sea and buffalo wings. Her size 4 turns into a 0. Her ribs start showing, like the creepy picture above. Her boobs pull a "shrinky dink" but her head seems to grow larger. She starts getting the Giada Deluarentis "meatball on a toothpick" look.

Lucky for us after a while her star begins to fade. She divorces the now D-list Nick Lachey. She starts dating Tony Romo and gets blamed for the Cowboys losing streak. She attempts and fails to break into the country music industry. All of this leads her to eat like a normal human being again. She has no tent pole summer movie to skinny up for. Instead she has the chili cook off at the local fair to judge for!!!!

Here is the Jessica Simpson I sorely missed! The "I don't give a flying fuck what y'all think about me - I'll be dumb if I wanna!" Jessica. Yet she gets lambasted in the entertainment press for being FAT! FAT!!!!!! Are they kidding me???

That is the thing that kills me about the huge amount of press that these so called "fat" pictures are getting. Dude....seriously.....she is still frakkin skinny. If you had a picture of her in this (not so flattering - ok pretty damn ugg) outfit standing next to someone like me you would never ever ever say that she is fat. I would look like the Stay Puff marshmallow man next to her. At the most she is a size 4 now. But when you get so uber-skinny like she did any bit of weight you put on makes it seem like you are on a binge with Oprah.

I have a major plea for Hollywood....GAIN SOME WEIGHT PEOPLE! Eat like normal humans and have some damn curves. Stop looking like plastic dolls!!! Perfection is so unbelievably boring! Boobs are wonderful! Asses are wonderful!!!! Shake your money maker Jessica. Shake it loud and proud!!!!

Just because it involves Obama don't always make it cool...

Ok - I'm sure y'all have heard or read about the pre-inauguration concert at the Lincoln Memorial. If I had not watched it, based upon the coverage it has been getting I would be thinking that I missed out on a real cool event. Unfortunately the mainstream press is in this Obama Honeymoon period where everything that involves him is the best thing EVER!!!! Don't get me wrong - I love the Bamanator. I am part of the "Yes We Can" brigade. However even Obama is not above having cheeeeeeesey, boring and obnoxious concerts held in his honor. The only person who got the evening somewhat right is here.

On paper it sounded great. Tons of celebrities and A-list musicians, mixed in with some stars of less mainstream music genres, aka opera and gospel. Sounds fantastic! Too bad for me - two hours of my life gone - wasted - obliterated. I don't know if I can truly describe the sheer sucktitude of this event. Where do I begin? How about a sort of recap of suck:

• Bruce Springsteen performing The Rising is fine and dandy but did he really have to order the super sized choir?


• The mini celebrity speeches were bland and George Lopez was downright annoying. Seriously, how is this man a comedian?


• Song selections were soooooo obvious and trite. Roger and I had a game choosing what songs we thought they would do - I won with my awesome "This Land is Your Land" prediction! Lets see what the other brilliant and original selections were: Lean on Me, A Change is Gonna Come, Shower the People, My Country Tis of Thee, America the Beautiful, One Love, etc. etc. etc.


• I will admit that one of the best performances of the concert (besides U2 who always manage to rock) was Garth Brooks. With John Mellencamp as a close second. yeah. exactly.


• By the way, did I mention that part of Garth Brooks' medley was American Pie - which I wholeheartedly believe is the MOST wretched song ever inflicted on human beings. Yeah - he was one of the best performers.


• Josh Groban.


• Usher and Shakira singing Higher Ground with Stevie Wonder. They did the first few verses of the song and then Stevie started singing and rendered them useless. They shouldn't have even been there - it should have been all Stevie!!
• I must mention the amaaazing jacket said Stevie Wonder was wearing - the back had a huge bedazzled face of Martin Luther King Jr. And I never joke about fashion.
• Joe Biden - no need to shout brother - you have a microphone.
• By far the most awkward and strange part of the event was Tom Hanks' speech regarding Abraham Lincoln. The orchestra in front of him was playing Lincoln's Portrait - which actually sounded a lot like the music from Apollo 13 but way more boombastic! His speech was like this: talk talk Loud music Loud Music pause pause pause talk talk LOUD MUSIC pause pause pause LOUDER MUSIC talk LOUDER MUSIC talk pause talk pause CYMBALS CRASHING!!!!!!! etc.

The only really fun part of the event was looking at all the amazingly expensive outer wear that celebs wear. You don't tend to see the winter coats of the rich and famous and I was totally enthralled (basically I was bored and it kept me occupied). Usher's was hideous - too military looking. The Edge had a really cool leather coat. Shakira had one of those mullet style jackets - business in the front - party in the back. Mary J. had the prettiest - cream colored, sweet buttons. Although I consider him to be the Prince of Lame - Josh Groban had a classy coat - similar to Obama's. The best coats though - the daughters, Malia and Sasha. Too cute - although Stevie Wonder's may just be cuter.

In an effort to look a little less like a hater - there were some good parts of the concert. Obama gave a good speech. U2 was really good, per usual. And there was a little girl sitting behind Obama who was asleep the whole concert. She was the only one with the balls enough to admit that this sucker was booooring.