Thursday, January 29, 2009

If only more celebrities would get fat!

This lovely lady to my left is Jessica Simpson. Ms. Simpson is a celebrity (to a degree). When she started her career she looked like every other Blond Disney Jail Bait Newbie singer: probably a size 2 or 4, unassuming bland styling, "natural" looking (5 pounds of) makeup. Then C-list Jessica made a little reality show with her then B-list husband, Nick Lachey, and a moronic A-lister was born!

Ms. Simpson is not very smart. She can certainly hit high notes but honestly... only dogs enjoy the sound she makes when she gets there. As a woman she makes me kind of sad, really. However I did appreciate that she was willing to be herself (aka a brainless girly girl) on national television without shame. And I can guarantee you that she laughed all the way to the bank (leaving all the MENSA folks in the dust.)

Then the girl had to go all Hollywood...She gets the Daisy Duke gig and starts working out two hours a day. She stops eating her Dominoes, Chicken of the Sea and buffalo wings. Her size 4 turns into a 0. Her ribs start showing, like the creepy picture above. Her boobs pull a "shrinky dink" but her head seems to grow larger. She starts getting the Giada Deluarentis "meatball on a toothpick" look.

Lucky for us after a while her star begins to fade. She divorces the now D-list Nick Lachey. She starts dating Tony Romo and gets blamed for the Cowboys losing streak. She attempts and fails to break into the country music industry. All of this leads her to eat like a normal human being again. She has no tent pole summer movie to skinny up for. Instead she has the chili cook off at the local fair to judge for!!!!

Here is the Jessica Simpson I sorely missed! The "I don't give a flying fuck what y'all think about me - I'll be dumb if I wanna!" Jessica. Yet she gets lambasted in the entertainment press for being FAT! FAT!!!!!! Are they kidding me???

That is the thing that kills me about the huge amount of press that these so called "fat" pictures are getting. Dude....seriously.....she is still frakkin skinny. If you had a picture of her in this (not so flattering - ok pretty damn ugg) outfit standing next to someone like me you would never ever ever say that she is fat. I would look like the Stay Puff marshmallow man next to her. At the most she is a size 4 now. But when you get so uber-skinny like she did any bit of weight you put on makes it seem like you are on a binge with Oprah.

I have a major plea for Hollywood....GAIN SOME WEIGHT PEOPLE! Eat like normal humans and have some damn curves. Stop looking like plastic dolls!!! Perfection is so unbelievably boring! Boobs are wonderful! Asses are wonderful!!!! Shake your money maker Jessica. Shake it loud and proud!!!!


  1. You tell 'em!!

    Personally, I think it's just a really bad outfit. I'm sure she's still at least 20 lbs lighter than I am.

  2. I agree with Sarah, if the outfit was differnt a more flattering fit, no one would notice.