Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The source of all evil: Phil Collins

There is an evil force in music. It has always been there. It has many, many faces. It is the eternal, fearsome, diabolic, insane source of all that sucks.

Evil is wise, and has many incarnations. The Evil God of Suck has lived since the dawn of times. It was there in Vienna, with a Salieri sucking the life out of Mozart. It was there during the Middle Ages, with an evil nosy troubadour annoying the shit out of Brave Sir Robin. And it is here, now, terrible, destructive, lurking in the shadows, destroying everything that is good and holy in music.

I have seen the evil of our times, and I know his name. The source of all evil in music, the black hole that sucks all talent, is here, and his name is Phil Collins.

Consider some of his crimes. This dude managed to make Peter Gabriel run away from Genesis. This master of the dark arts corrupted untold amounts of ears and scarred them forever when he commited Sussussusudio. He made people homeless by telling everyone that they lived in paradise. He then proceeded to perform jazz covers of his own work (and the sad remains of Genesis) for the hell of it. He destroyed Disney by singing in the soundtrack of Tarzan.

Worse of all, he influenced hundreds of individuals that went on to create even shittier music, spawning creatures like Michael Bolton, Jimmy Buffet, Peter Cetera, Josh Groban, every single annoying asshole that has been in American Idol and -Oh Lord- Kenny Fucking G. He is the creator of a whole category of garbage music characterized by the relentless shittification of any formerly glorious musical genre. It was Collins who inspired Vainilla Ice to launch his career, moved four crappy tennors to piss on the grave of opera by forming Il Divo, and generally launched the ever growing trend of eviscerating good music by draining all the talent out of the recording.

His powers of evil are so wide, so complete, so destructive that from the wreckage of the Tarzan soundtrack he made the corrupted corpse of Disney come back to live as a Demon Wraith from music hell: they launched the music channel, vomiting Britney, Hannah Montana, High School Musical and the Jonas Brothers to the world. Collins is so malignant, so poisonous, that he is essentially unkillable; his evil has spread and is procreating, multiplying, spreading, taking over the world.

Only in the internets, a small band of bloggers resist the advance of chaos and musical sucktitude, by revealing and unmasking all that is evil in the world. Will they win? The Collins is strong in this planet...

3 comments:

  1. fucking
    su
    su
    sudio.

    how about: drop su-dead.

    needless to say, i agree with the levels of your proclaimed suckitude.
    barf.

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  2. It's in the freeking Bible... the evil of Phil Collins...

    Thessalonians 3, verses 131: “But as for you, brethren, do not hire a singing drummer. Note that person and do not keep company with him, that you may be ashamed."

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  3. Oh, My children, You can't grasp the half of it. At judgement day he shall sit to the left of Satan and even Satan shall exclaim..."Fuck Off You Bald Headed Twerp!!"

    ReplyDelete