Saturday, January 24, 2009

From the depths of lame, I summon thee: the case against Ron Howard

Some artists have the very special talent of raising a weak material and turning it into something much better. Behold the pretty bland Godfather novel and how Coppola made a freaking masterpiece out of it.

Some artists have the opposite talent: they can have the best, most delicious ingredients, the best kitchen, the sharpest tools, the shiniest pans and produce a pathetic, tasteless turd out of them. Among those pathetic hacks you find people like yours truly in a kitchen, besides other failed individuals, but the king of lame, the master of bad cooking, the demon god of mediocrity is one director. He is ugly, he is bald, he keeps making movies and oh boy, is he lame: Ron Fucking Howard is his name.

Ron Howard is as his most damaging lamest when he has a stellar cast, and great plot with tons of potential, a killer budget and plenty of time to plot his pathetic, sad movies. No matter the source material, no matter the available talent, he will manage to turdify anything into a blabbering, pointless, bland, tasteless pile of crap.

His filmography is a long list of missed opportunities, wasted potential and by the numbers oscar baiting lameness. From the painful, unforgivable use of Steve Guttenberg (another source of evil that will be carefully examined soon) in Cocoon to the absolutely devoid of charm fantasy world of Willow; from the agressively pointless and mindnumblingly boring tale of a Mathematician (sexy!) in a Beautiful mind to the decrepid clone of the brilliant Truman Show that is EdTV, Howard able to consistenly make anything lame.

This is the man that turned the once edgy, brilliant, agressive, creative career of Rusell Crowe into a pathetic pile of mild mannered burgeois turds. This is the man that made Tom Hanks (Tom Hanks!) wear a fucking mullet. This is the man that though that adapting a book as awful as the Da Vinci Code was a good idea. This is the man that turned an intelligent theatre play about an interview into a moralistic display that treats the viewers as idiots. This is the man that made a boxing movie (boxing!) into some sort of sugar coated, glossy looking fairie tale of how awesome was to be poor in the great depression. This guy is so awful that he hired Renee Zellweger, for fuck's sake.

The worst crime of Ron Howard, however, is his blatant Oscar-baiting, and how the academy falls for it. He is the go-to fake autheur of painless, risk free, completely devoid of any passion or edginess adult serious movies. He is able to produce one lame turd reasuring enough for those academy members that are too stupid to appreciate anything that has a hint of modernity. And they fall for it, every fucking time.

The worst part? I suspect the fucker does it on purpose. When no one is watching (and really, no one did watch) he is able to produce wonderfully demented shows like Arrested Development. Most of the time, however, he prefers to perform the dark arts of lame and create his usual bland, completely pointless, hugely popular drivel to torture us all.

Shame on you, Ron Howard. Shame on you, King of the Lame.

No comments:

Post a Comment