The undying curse of talentless hacks

Some people are nice. You see them on TV, they are cute, charming and talented, and you enjoy watching them. You buy their CDs, watch their movies, follow their careers. It is all nice and good fun.

Some people, however, are not talented. They are not fun. They are basically an annoyance, a waste of everybody's time, talentless hacks clinging to their 15 minutes with desperate energy and fearless abandon. They suddenly appear in the pop culture world, and they just stand there, hogging the limelight for a bit, until the public realize they suck and they get kicked out of the stage.

Talentless hacks usually try to develop elaborate mechanisms of survival. They like fame, so they try to stay famous, no matter what. The creativity of those antics varies wildly, going from the mildy amusing (getting into a reality show) to the pretty bold (celebrity sex tape) to the just plain disgusting (Screech sex tape). Some of the pathetic crappy losers even manage to become sorta acceptable if their desperate attempts reach the level of performance art - say celebrity meltdown or Joaquin Phoenix in Letterman.

Of all the tactics to stay in the spotlight, the most obnoxious of all is those pricks that go on and procreate. They get pregnant. The call their siblings. They multiply and populate the radio waves, filling hours of pop culture with repetitive inanity. They become, in other words, the fucking Osmonds, or even worse, a serial adopting agency & procreation factory nightmare named Angelina. They transform from being a single annoyance to a clan.

This is bad for two reasons. First, siblings tend to suck. If the first brother was no good, the siblings are not going to be better. If the mom or dad were talentless idiots, the descendants are only going to inflict more pain, to make us forget. Just look at the wise, wise, wise advice of Palin (mom) and the got-kid-preach-abstinance trainwreck that is her daughter. Second, babies are basically evil, and seriously, we don't care how yours looks like. He will grow up talentless. Get out of the way.

We need a filter. We need a way to wash bad celebrities out of the system, so they never come back. Who, on its right mind, allowed Sanjaya get into a reality TV show? Does America really need more Sanjaya? What have we done to deserve this? Save us. Please. Make it stop.

Please Shoot An Arrow Through 'Cupid's Heart

I wanted to like the new Cupid. I was one of the very few who was in love (no pun intended) with the original series of the same name and concept starring Jeremy Piven back in the 90s. That show only lasted 15 episodes (one of which never aired.) Come to find out, the original Cupid was the first big job for writer, Rob Thomas (not the Matchbox20 douche), who is regarded very highly by yours truly because he created one of my all time favorite shows (albeit short-lived) Veronica Mars.

For some reason, over 10 years later, ABC decided to let Rob Thomas take another crack at Cupid. Just in case you don't know, the concept of the show is this: Seemingly normal guy claims to be cupid. He says that Zeues sent him to earth to punish him for arrogance and the only way he can back to deity status is by connecting 100 couples (true love only) without using any powers. Of course regular earthlings think he is crazy and he is assigned a shrink.

The premise is odd but it worked with Jeremy Piven. The biggest difference between these two shows is that Jeremy Piven actually had sexual chemistry with his shrink (played by Paula Marshall) and it drove the show. This remake stars Bobby Canavale as the title character and Sara Paulson as his skeptic shrink. Unfortunately Bobby plays the character kinda gay (actually he plays him realllly gay) so you don't feel any sexual chemistry between the two. I normally like Bobby Canavale (Station Agent baby) but he is horribly miscast. Sara Paulson has better chemistry with Matthew Perry (as we saw in Studio 60), who I think would have been a much better choice.

I wanted to like the new Cupid but if the guy playing Cupid is wrong - the whole thing stinks.

"Open Heart" aka Balls on Top of Ass

Is it just me or does Jane Seymour's "Open Heart" design look just like balls on top of ass? The middle pic looks like ass to ass balls on ass. Sorry, but I would slap my huband if he bought me a balls on ass necklace...or laugh in his face and ask about the return policy. Who knew Dr. Quinn was so dirty.

Into the dark void: the case against Zellweger

We know there is evil in this world. We know there is lame. Today we reveal the last source of terror, despair and loss of all hope in this world. Today we reveal the true face of Zellweger, the darkest vortex of suck in the known universe.

Zellweger is the missing link in the universe. Zellweger is the reason scientist can not explain why the universe is expanding. Zellweger is the biggest, most dangerous agent known to man. Zellweger is the damp, empty night of the soul; the maelstrom that attracts and sinks all; the darkest, bleakest, most terrible gravity wheel man can imagine.

Zellwegger sucks talent. Feeds on the talent of others. Leeches on the grace, charisma, brilliance of anyone around, and drains it, completely, making anyone in her presence a zombified, empty shell of a man or woman. A ghost. A Wraith. A Ghoul. A shambling, moaning, undead entity.

The entity know as Zellweger basically walks into movies, and destroys them. She makes anyone around her completely moronic, a pale caricature of themselves. She turns any actor into a boring pile of rubish, any script into a pathetic recitation of a shopping list, any song into a pathetic rendition of a High School Musical number performed by a fat kid with parents that force him to sing in front of his friends because the mom wanted to be a Broadway star.

Remember Jim Carrey? He used to be funny. He married Zellweger. Remember Cold Mountain? Not only Zellweger turned the whole academy into idiots that gave her the oscar, but she was able to drain any charm or hope from both Jude Law and Nicole Kidman, wrecking their careers forever. She ruined Appalosa, made Cinderella Man an exercise of pain (and destroyed Russell Crowe in the process), butchered Down with Love (eviscerating Ewan McGregor, who left so traumatized that went on to commit The Island) and managed to make both John Krasisnki and George Clooney boring in Leatherheads.

She destroys careers, ruins every single scene she is in and basically sucks all the talent out of the room. On top of that, she is both prone to be in terrible movies from the start (even her "big break", Jerry McGuire, is a piece of trash) and to atract people that definetely should know better due to her massive, terrifying gravitional pool. She does not discriminate, she destroys everything around her, probably because she really doesn´t have eyes; she guides herself by smelling souls to predate from.

The universe is not really expanding. The universe is running away from Zellweger.