Monday, February 2, 2009

Into the dark void: the case against Zellweger

We know there is evil in this world. We know there is lame. Today we reveal the last source of terror, despair and loss of all hope in this world. Today we reveal the true face of Zellweger, the darkest vortex of suck in the known universe.

Zellweger is the missing link in the universe. Zellweger is the reason scientist can not explain why the universe is expanding. Zellweger is the biggest, most dangerous agent known to man. Zellweger is the damp, empty night of the soul; the maelstrom that attracts and sinks all; the darkest, bleakest, most terrible gravity wheel man can imagine.

Zellwegger sucks talent. Feeds on the talent of others. Leeches on the grace, charisma, brilliance of anyone around, and drains it, completely, making anyone in her presence a zombified, empty shell of a man or woman. A ghost. A Wraith. A Ghoul. A shambling, moaning, undead entity.

The entity know as Zellweger basically walks into movies, and destroys them. She makes anyone around her completely moronic, a pale caricature of themselves. She turns any actor into a boring pile of rubish, any script into a pathetic recitation of a shopping list, any song into a pathetic rendition of a High School Musical number performed by a fat kid with parents that force him to sing in front of his friends because the mom wanted to be a Broadway star.

Remember Jim Carrey? He used to be funny. He married Zellweger. Remember Cold Mountain? Not only Zellweger turned the whole academy into idiots that gave her the oscar, but she was able to drain any charm or hope from both Jude Law and Nicole Kidman, wrecking their careers forever. She ruined Appalosa, made Cinderella Man an exercise of pain (and destroyed Russell Crowe in the process), butchered Down with Love (eviscerating Ewan McGregor, who left so traumatized that went on to commit The Island) and managed to make both John Krasisnki and George Clooney boring in Leatherheads.

She destroys careers, ruins every single scene she is in and basically sucks all the talent out of the room. On top of that, she is both prone to be in terrible movies from the start (even her "big break", Jerry McGuire, is a piece of trash) and to atract people that definetely should know better due to her massive, terrifying gravitional pool. She does not discriminate, she destroys everything around her, probably because she really doesn´t have eyes; she guides herself by smelling souls to predate from.

The universe is not really expanding. The universe is running away from Zellweger.


  1. she just got the hasty pudding award!

  2. she just got the hasty pudding award!