Heroes update

Yesterday´s episode confirms that the Cheerleader is definetely the most pointless character in television. Not only is Hayden Panetiere an awful actress, but the writers have been playing the same history arch over and over again with her. The Noah-does-bad-stuff-to-protect-her, she-rebels, argument and redemption crap is identical every single season. It was awesome in the first season (mainly because we didn´t know who HRG was) and it was focused the right way (the rare episode about a single character, "Company Man") but by now it is beyond stale.

Next week´s teaser looked good (Noah is a great character when that stupid moron of a daughter he has is not around), but I am putting the show officially on notice. They either stop being lame, or I am dropping it from my carefully planned schedule.

Heroes: a Zellweger infestation

Watching the formerly awesome show named Heroes on Monday, I noticed several things.

First, in comparison to the bad second season and dreadful fall 2008 chapter, I was in fact slightly amused, even enjoying myself at times. Considering how the show started (with a ridiculously great first 18 episodes and a pretty good season one finale) and how far it fell, actually having a bit of fun is a welcome addition. Yes, they are still relying in the same old plot points and tricks (how many times can Noah change sides? Why is Peter Petrelli so fucking stupid?), but at least there is some decent pacing there, and the characters are not spread out in eleven different retarded plot lines at once.

Despite that, however, the show still has something... off. Something is not really working. Which brings me to the second point: the show has been infested by the spawn of Zellweger.

Let me explain myself. In Heroes there are three terrible, terrible, terrible characters: the fucking cheerleader, the moronic Mohinder, and whoever Ali Later is supposed to be this season. All three of them are played by really bad actors (and Hayden Panettiere is probably the worst of them) that are dealt with boring characters that are flat, stupid, completely superflous and basically irrelevant.

The cheerleader is inmortal in a completely moronic way. She is useless unless you are using her as a human shield or to make Noah field bad (and seriously, why does he worry? It is not that they can kill your daughter), and always end up being some sort of bizarre holy grail / living target. Mohinder is a weak willed, constantly flabergasted, persistently confused, easily manipulable wimp with an annoying voice. And Ali Later is basically an awful actress, so no matter what charecter she has she will make a moron out of it.

These three characters drain the life of any scene they are in. The turn plotlines into turds. They basically derrail the show everytime the walk past the cammera. And on top of that, they just won't die, no matter how often they get shot, impaled, mutated, poisoned, blown up or tortured, why a whole legion of vastly more interesting characters kick the bucket left and right without ever getting fully developed. The speedster, google girl, invisible guy, Veronica Mars, all vastly more interesting and all six feet under, while this trio of losers keep ruining my show.

Please, make it stop. Take the Zellweger away. Please.

Into the dark void: the case against Zellweger

We know there is evil in this world. We know there is lame. Today we reveal the last source of terror, despair and loss of all hope in this world. Today we reveal the true face of Zellweger, the darkest vortex of suck in the known universe.

Zellweger is the missing link in the universe. Zellweger is the reason scientist can not explain why the universe is expanding. Zellweger is the biggest, most dangerous agent known to man. Zellweger is the damp, empty night of the soul; the maelstrom that attracts and sinks all; the darkest, bleakest, most terrible gravity wheel man can imagine.

Zellwegger sucks talent. Feeds on the talent of others. Leeches on the grace, charisma, brilliance of anyone around, and drains it, completely, making anyone in her presence a zombified, empty shell of a man or woman. A ghost. A Wraith. A Ghoul. A shambling, moaning, undead entity.

The entity know as Zellweger basically walks into movies, and destroys them. She makes anyone around her completely moronic, a pale caricature of themselves. She turns any actor into a boring pile of rubish, any script into a pathetic recitation of a shopping list, any song into a pathetic rendition of a High School Musical number performed by a fat kid with parents that force him to sing in front of his friends because the mom wanted to be a Broadway star.

Remember Jim Carrey? He used to be funny. He married Zellweger. Remember Cold Mountain? Not only Zellweger turned the whole academy into idiots that gave her the oscar, but she was able to drain any charm or hope from both Jude Law and Nicole Kidman, wrecking their careers forever. She ruined Appalosa, made Cinderella Man an exercise of pain (and destroyed Russell Crowe in the process), butchered Down with Love (eviscerating Ewan McGregor, who left so traumatized that went on to commit The Island) and managed to make both John Krasisnki and George Clooney boring in Leatherheads.

She destroys careers, ruins every single scene she is in and basically sucks all the talent out of the room. On top of that, she is both prone to be in terrible movies from the start (even her "big break", Jerry McGuire, is a piece of trash) and to atract people that definetely should know better due to her massive, terrifying gravitional pool. She does not discriminate, she destroys everything around her, probably because she really doesn´t have eyes; she guides herself by smelling souls to predate from.

The universe is not really expanding. The universe is running away from Zellweger.